Bobby emails his mother
by daf9
Summary: *Chapter 5* Old habits die hard.
1. Default Chapter

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Au note: Alright already. Limericks from Bobby. You wouldn't quit nagging and THIS is what you get!! 

And for those of you unfamiliar with French, the letter _p_ in "de trop" is silent so that "trop" rhymes with go. "de trop" means superfluous or excessive.

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Disclaimers: Dick Wolf's characters are much better behaved than mine.

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To: stopthevoicesinmyhead@carmelridge.com

From: bobbygoren@mcs.com

Dear Mom, 

As you suggested -

While my lunch is digested

Although we speak every day

And so I've not much to say

Here's the e-mail that you requested!

First I really must thank

You to not call Lola "That Skank"

So I contracted cat scratch fever

That was no reason to leave her

The sex was worth it; if I'm being quite frank

I promise next time I see

"The World's Worst S.O.B."

I'll mention to Dad

You're the best he's ever had

But you know that he'll just disagree.

You like to take chances

With the family finances

But 'til you learn not to blush

When holding a flush

Quit playin' poker and start readin' romances

I don't care WHAT symptoms you've got!

I'm not bringing you POT!

For Pete's sakes - I'm a cop!

The nagging's just got to stop!

I'd lose my job if I ever got caught!

Though he's a star on tv 

If you met him you'd see

He's not nearly as good-looking

And you wouldn't like his cooking

D'Onofrio can't hold a candle to me!

Yes my partner's quite cute

And witty to boot

But I can definitely say

She doesn't see me _that way_

I fear she may be too astute.

At work I like to disarm,

Disconcert and alarm

Alex thinks I'm abusing

The tactics I'm using

She doesn't see it's all part of my charm!

I know you're counting on me

To put grandkids on your knee

But Mom with this job

Girls won't marry your Bob

At least not that I can foresee.

Remember Dad's ex-wife Rikki

Who gave me the hickey

When I was nineteen?

Well I've recently seen

Her down by the pier doin' quickies.

The new sweater is great!

No, I'm not losing weight.

If you knit them too tight

I'm afraid you'll incite

Detective Stabler to ask me out on a date.

Mom, you're making me blush

Telling me 'bout your crush

He'd think you were dotty

To call him a hottie

Captain Deakins doesn't go for that mush.

Since you made that big scene

I've been avoiding Colleen

She was less than impressed

When you ripped off her dress

You've GOT to stop drinking caffeine.

And your floor mate, Mrs. Mudd

Her nails draw blood

It's only knowing she's manic

That keeps me from panic

When she keeps asking me to prove I'm a stud!

Mom, please don't lobby

On behalf of 'your' Bobby

You don't need to horde

Any more bungee cord 

I really don't need a new hobby!

While I don't mean to be rude,

PLEASE quit sendin' food

And Mom - this will come as a blow-

The blue silk jammies are de trop

Since leaving home I always sleep in the nude.

You spend too much of your day

Buying gifts on e-bay

We may have to edit

The extent of your credit

There's nothing more I can say.

I could be more verbose

If I wrote you in prose

But there's this lunatic daf9

Who INSISTS that I rhyme

I'd enjoy seein' HER decompose!


	2. Bobby sends his mother ANOTHER email

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Au note: Poughkeepsie is a small town not too far south of New York City, pronounced Poo- kip-sie. If there are any residents of that town reading this chapter, please don't take offense just because I appear to be denigrating Poughkeepsie. I would have used my own home town, but I couldn't make anything rhyme with Rochester.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To: stopthevoicesinmyhead@carmelridge.com

From: bobbygoren@mcs.com

Dear Mom, 

Since the last time we spoke

Deakins told me a "joke"

About a flamboyant cop

Whose boss gave him the chop

I think HE thinks that I mean to provoke.

This week has been very hard

I lost my library card

To some doper cookin' crack

In his unventilated shack

Shack, perp and card wound up charred.

Do I make his job overly strenuous?

The evidence is really quite tenuous

But when I say I don't know

Why I irritate him so

Carver accuses me of being disingenuous.

Your doctors say they're displeased

At the notions you've seized

You've started raiding the fridge

And cheating at bridge

Your flirting won't keep them appeased!

I really don't think

Your meds allow you to drink

The nurses are givin' me static

So let's be pragmatic

And pour that champagne down the sink!

I know you're not to blame

For going insane

Even Dad understood

You did the best that you could

And aren't responsible for what you became.

I used to think you debonair

When you dressed with such care

But were you just feeding the illusion

You could tame the confusion

That you sensed would some day be there?

Still, if Dad had been the one

Whose mind came undone

Would YOU have stayed out so late

Come home reeking of your date

Or would you at least THOUGHT of your son?

My childhood left me ungrounded

And perpetually confounded

Though Dad kept on trying

I always KNEW he was lying

It's no surprise that I'm not so well-rounded!

Mom, I'm sometimes afraid

That my mind's a grenade

And one day down the road

It's just going to explode

And there'll be no one to come to my aid.

And if I were to marry

With the genes that I carry

Would someday MY son

Regret what I'd done

And pray for a parent less scary?

Cards on the table-

Am I growing unstable?

Are my antics amusing

Or cause for accusing

'Acting crazy' may be more than a label!

I fear I'm not being cheery

My mind is too weary

But enough of this drivel

A son shouldn't be uncivil -

I'll switch to a topic less dreary.

I really shouldn't speak

But I had a case just last week

The killer had no fear

Or so he made it appear

Now THAT guy was some kind of freak!

I dragged him to the brink

And I made that scum blink

He won't swagger again

Into THIS lion's den

You're right Mom - I should have been a shrink!

And then we found a dead stiff -

I like to give them a sniff

Eames has confessed

It leaves her distressed

When I've a cold, I make HER take a whiff!

Mom, next week my goal

Is to tumble Nicole

Yeah, I know she takes lives -

So I'll hide the sharp knives

But the passion's beyond my control!

When my beer makes me tipsy

I dream of being a gypsy

I'd be good at a scam

And if forced on the lam

Who'd look for a New Yorker in Poughkeepsie?

~~~~~~~~~~~

COMING SOON! Bobby complains to his mother about the LOCI writers. Unless of course they manage to pull off next week's episode without degenerating into total soap opera.


	3. email 3

Bobby describes his latest cases to his mother and in the process complains about the LOCI writers but just a little 'cause the season finale was much better than I feared it might be.

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Au note: PDR (physician's desk reference) - that large, unwieldy reference book that doctors use to look up drugs and their side-effects.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To: stopthenoisesinmyhead@carmelridge.com

From: bobbygoren@mcs.com

Dear Mom,

That veterinarian was really obsessed

With believing women thought him the best

Like any well bred New Yorker

Repulsed by that porker

Eames didn't wanna see him undressed!

When the guy showed his skin

I could sense Eames' chagrin -

I'll start a training regime

So not to lose her esteem

If she and I ever go for a swim.

When a man leaves his wife

To begin a new life

I should not be so quick

Just because he's a prick

To think he's the one wielding the knife!

I must learn to contain

The rage in my brain

My fists wreak disaster

When I knock loose the plaster

The painters are startin' to complain.

I would never have conceived

What Eames thought I believed -

I know she'd never leak

My secrets to Deak

How could my feelings be so misperceived?

I have but one goal

When I flirt and cajole

I want perps to admit

To the crimes they commit

And it just didn't work on Nicole.

Nicole interrupted my meal

Destroyed my liking for veal

Baby beef makes me tear

But I still love cold beer

And pickles haven't lost their appeal.

Did she think I'd be shattered

When she revealed things that mattered?

Despite her impression

She's NOT my obsession

I can't believe that she thought I'd be flattered!

Nicole? She's a slag!

Her deeds make me gag

I found from our previous

Encounter she's devious

But I'm better - though I don't like to brag.

****

She left me confounded

My self confidence grounded

Much to my chagrin

She got under my skin

Not impressed so much as astounded!

Now Dad's dead and buried

Why haven't I married?

When the shit hits the fan

I don't know if I can

Avoid the emotional baggage he carried.

But Nicole wasn't right

'Bout what REALLY gives fright

It's not Dad but YOU, Mom

I fear I'll become

If I go lookin' for marital delight.

Mom, you know that of course

I recall the divorce

And though I've since grown ashamed

It was YOU that I blamed

When Dad's problems were obviously its source.

I've only ever had

One mom and one dad

And though I prayed and I schemed

You were NOT what I dreamed

But all-in-all, neither were you so bad.

Truth and justice should win

Over people who sin

So how does Nicole

Always make the dice roll

So some poor innocent is taken in?

Now she's blown her chance

At a long term romance

Will Nicole get upset

And maybe regret

That she didn't forgo our last dance?

I think it's conclusive

Nicole's dad was abusive

There's no way to blunt it

She HAS to confront it

Or peace of mind will forever be elusive.

I think my colleagues agree

With the truths that I see -

Nicole doesn't pick at my scabs

Out of lust for my abs -

But to delight in emotional debris.

My co-workers call me possessive

Because my screen time's excessive

I don't mind being smart

With an I.Q. off the chart

But too much angst and things will just get oppressive!

And could the writers endeavor? -

Since Eames and Deak are quite clever

To just once let **HER** shine

Give Jimmy good lines

And give Carver some .um, well whatever!

Why not let you move home?

You'll be fine left alone

There's comfort attends

Just being with your friends

Your mental illness has been SO overblown.

It's going too far

To have my own PDR

If some drug I forget

I can look on the 'Net

I'm gonna trade that tome in on a car.

I'm hoping next season

The writers listen to reason

And off camera we'll speak

No more than ONCE every week

I'm really getting' tired of the teasin'.

Though the writers were tough

They let me sport scruff -

With the money I save

By not having to shave

Unlike Carver I own lots of cool stuff!


	4. email 4

Bobby fires off a quick e-mail to Mom while he continues to ponder why his monologue about scones was removed from ff.net for an _infraction. _More on that later.

For those of you unfamiliar with New York State politicians, Pataki is Governor George Pataki. I hope this doesn't break the rules ffnet has against writing fan fiction about real people. 

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to: stopthevoicesinmyhead@carmelridge.com

from: bobbygoren@mcs.com

Dear Mom,

My love life's a source of despair

Could I fix it by dying my hair?

The object of my hunger

Is almost twenty years younger

But I'm afraid either way she won't care.

To drive women wild

Mesmerized and beguiled

I've been told to avoid

Dissin' on Freud -

They're attracted to my "inner child".

I know it's perverse

But Nicole was a curse

What if other women see

What she saw in me?

And you thought my life couldn't get worse!

Sometimes I grow sad

Thinkin' of you and Dad

Loose women! Cheap wine!

At least HE had a good time

Was there fun in the life that YOU had?

Even to me it's confusion -

A puzzling illusion

When I stare into space

And with a pained face

Come straight to a brilliant conclusion!

When Deakins shows haughty derision

And Eames expresses slight indecision

I'm still convinced I know who

Are the perps to pursue

It's like I have mental x-ray vision.

But there's many an occasion

I'll use moral suasion

To make the perp plead

So that I don't need

More violent forms of persuasion.

__

(Anti-thesis spoiler)

That shoe store attendant

Has become quite dependent

He got hold of my phone

And won't leave me alone

My flirting was just too resplendent.

Mom, you asked about the faxes?

With Pataki's new taxes

Your health costs are soaring

And so while it's deploring

I'm canceling your weekly manicures and waxes.

And finally Bobby informs his mother how he feels about New York City's recently instituted anti-smoking laws that make it illegal to light up in any bar or restaurant in the city. 

These new anti-smoking laws

Leave me clenching my jaws

Do you think tongues will wag?

When for a beer and a fag

I transfer to a precinct in Oz?


	5. Chapter 5

Dear mom, since you're dead

You've really messed with my head

Damn you for dying

Just when i was trying

To forgot those last words that you said

i know Dad was no prize

With his whores and his lies

But Mark Brady's genes?

Improve things by no means

In fact, an unwelcome surprise.

One big plus: my clean hanky

Need not be dirtied for Frankie

His sperm came from another

He's only partly my brother

For that I must owe you a 'thank-ee'

'Cause in addition to your tears

He's annoyed me for years

Now I can celebrate in fashion

When I hear Frank a splashin'

I'll deafen Queens with the sound of my cheers!


End file.
